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Fan Literature   -   AvP: The Spoof   -   Chapter 8
AvP: The Spoof
Written by:  SiL


Chapter 8 - The Doors Do Open


The massive doors were, well, massive. They lay embedded deep into a wall of ice that went all the way to the surface. Behind the wall of ice was something that was very big and very dark. It was so big that the edges of it couldn’t be seen from where the group stood. The scientist knocked on the door.

There was a pause of everything as a body slumped to the bottom of the stairs, landing spread-eagled on the other body. The others gave it a glance, but their interest lay in the doors that slowly started to open. It opened very slowly, like someone waking up from a long sleep. The ice wall cracked where it met the door, sending a fine shower of ice down to the floor.

At last the door was open, and the others looked down into the darkness. Jake and Adam switched their high-powered lights on, obliterated the darkness and several light-sensitive rodents that scurried along the floor. They exchanged glances briefly, then jumped over the massive threshold into the pyramid.

Behind them, the door closed.


The three young Predators soaked up the lovely fire they’d started. It was the twelfth one in an hour, as all the others had burnt through the ice and fallen into the water. The fait was just about to claim the new fire when the Leader stomped it out. The others looked up at him.

“We are here to hunt, not sit on our frozen asses and wait for a bus!”

The others cringed, but managed a giggle as a yellow bus with two round eyes for headlights pulled up in front of them. The door opened and a red-headed woman stepped out, wearing God knew what.

“Come on, class!” she said. “No need to wait!”

Five seconds later, a large smoldering wreck of human and bus lay in a small crater by the ice.

The Young ones groaned.


The massive walls of the pyramid were lined with various trophies; an Alien ass here, an Ass’s ass here – you get the picture. They were surrounded by asses from every animal that had walked the earth. They even had Penguin asses up there.

After the group had gone down a long downwards slope, they came to a wide level area. The room was massive and circular, and was littered by fossilized condom wrappers. Carefully, Jake went over to a wall and looked at a lever.

“I found something!”

The others walked over and crowded around, pushing each other to get a better look.

“It’s a petrified stick,” said Adam blandly.

Chris elbowed him in the gut without turning his head from the lever. “Never insult the stick,” he said.

After half an hour of careful watching, the stick stayed decidedly still. Eventually, and with great effort, Waylay reached across and pulled the lever. This started a weird grinding noise as something moved. Looking over each others shoulder, they saw part of the wall slide back into the rest of the wall.

“That was exciting,” said Chris, limping towards it. “A wall that moves. Wowee.”

The sound that followed was a mix of chains clanking together, a hiss like a snake and another grinding noise. The group watched intently as the noises became louder and nearer, louder and nearer…

There was an explosion of some sort. A flash, and an explosion as Chris flew back, smashing into the wall and falling to the ground. The eyes of the group slowly moved back to the door as She, The Bitch, exited he seclusion room, bound to the teeth in chains.

Sandy farted.




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