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Fan Literature   -   AvP: The Spoof   -   Chapter 5
AvP: The Spoof
Written by:  SiL


Chapter 5 - Ice-Breaker


The small, pitiful glacier never stood a chance against the massive ice-breaker as it plowed through the frozen sea, inexorably drawn towards a whaling station. Well, inexorably in a wide sense of the word, because there was something forcing it inexorably onwards, which meant that this sentence is now useless.

Now, the Penguin isn’t the most intelligent of animals. Well, it isn’t considered a very intelligent animal by most everything else, which was unfortunate for the poor, intelligent Penguins. I mean, what other race is smart enough to wear evening-wear at all hours? Who else has the foresight to think “Maybe we’ll be invited to a dinner party sometime today”? Penguins.

Unfortunately, the Leopard Seals made sure that the Penguins were invited to a dinner party almost every day, so long as they came as the dinner. So we have established that the blank stares of the Penguins as they watched the breaker are in fact intelligent, deep-meaning stares of thought. About fish.

Okay, so we’ve established a major plot-point. Great. On with the story!


So this large piece of floating metal smashed through another small patch of ice, completely unaware of its existence. The people inside, who were talking at the moment, didn’t even realize the massive tremors that shook the ship.

“So,” said Adam, “let me get this straight: We’re heading to an abandon waling station that’s being used by some secret military operation. Their job is to take a an Alien specimen alive and use it for their weapons research. Our job is to investigate the ancient pyramid beneath the ice before they do that.”

The others nodded. Waylay, however, threw up. They ignored it.
“Then the waling station is going to be attacked by a group of -”

Sandy’s hand clamped his mouth shut. He struggled for a while before succumbing to that puzzled look you get when someone tells you to stop hitting the cat with a sledge hammer when you see it as a perfectly reasonable exercise.

“We haven’t got that far, yet! Fool!”

There was a silence which Waylay threw up on. Then there was another tremor as the breaker ground to a halt on the shore. Waylay clutched his stomach, heaved, and Chris threw up on Jake. Jake glared and hit Michael in the groin for no reason. Then they got up and left.




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