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AvP Freaks

Fan Literature   -   AvP: The Spoof   -   Chapter 13
AvP: The Spoof
Written by:  SiL

Chapter 13 - Aliens. And Predators. And Humans. And Penguins.

The Leader looked over into the Hall of Gods. he was standing at the ‘Big Canyon’ side of the Hall, which meant that the canyon was about twenty meters wide. And as Predators can’t stand to see themselves fail at something, he would have to cloak some time between going over the canyon and falling into it.

He closed his eyes, sighed, and started running. His pace quickened with each step, along with his heartbeat and the oncoming canyon. He ran fast and straight until there was nothing under him anymore. He was flying…

Then he remembered. He quickly put on his cloaking device and waited for the horrible end. An end which was met by so many Leaders and Young ones alike.

But the fate was not for him. He landed on the other side, stumbled, and smashed into a Penguin statue. Just before he passed out, one thought went into his head:

Bloody Penguins.

Crap’n’Pants blasted away another chunk of Aliens as he walked through the long and lonely corridors. Well, long, yes, but he wasn’t alone; he was surrounded by Aliens that were quite happy to know him that bit better. Unfortunately, anything that comes within six feet of Crap’n’Pants and his ICBINP Launcher was either dead or not there.
So there he was, cutting large chunks out of 2,000 Aliens, trying to figure out what he was going to have for lunch, when he noticed there was an extreme lacking of anything underneath him. The majority of Aliens, however, felt a surprising lack of them, and when they found a complete lack of Crap’n’Pants, they decided to go to their caravans for lunch.

So much for Aliens, Aliens, Aliens.

Jake smashed into the wall and slumped to the ground. He looked up, eyes half closed, at Waylay. He looked around to see if Sandy was still here, but she wasn’t. Well, she was, but she was pretending to be a fish out of water. He turned back to Waylay.

“You’ll never get away with this, you self-centered bastard,” he said through bloodied clenched teeth.

Waylay grinned and stepped aside as Robocop stepped through. Then, very slowly, the robot fell sideways, braking to pieces on the hard ground. Waylay swore and kicked the limp body inside, and yelled “Great cop you are! Lazy tin can of a –”

There was a loud crack. The corridor was illuminated momentarily, just prior to Waylay being flung into the air by an explosion of sparks and rubble. His body crumpled on the floor and skidded slightly, stopping only when it collided with Sandy.

Turning his head away from Waylay, Jake saw a massive thing, roughly eight-feet tall and wearing an arsenal of armour. The thing walked over to him, grabbed his hair, and raised its right hand. Two-foot blades swung out of a gauntlet on the wrist and the arm started forward.
But the arm stopped. A rope of Seal entrails wrapped around the biceps of the creature and pulled. The creature stopped its struggle and turned to see six Pengators holding tight onto the entrails.

Jake sat up and stared at the six armour-clad birds. They were two feet tall and had armour not unlike the Predator’s.

The Leader growled, cut the entrails, and blasted one Penguin with its shoulder canon. With both arms free he trapped one in a net and blasted the other four to blood splatters on the wall. Then, with a mighty roar, he grabbed the other Pengator and smashed him repeatedly against a wall until it fell limp and silent. He dropped the bag and turned to see Jake and Sandy in front of roughly a thousand Aliens that started handing out weapons.

‘Oh, piss,’ said the Leader.

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