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AvP Freaks

Fan Literature   -   AvP: The Spoof   -   Chapter 2
AvP: The Spoof
Written by:  SiL

Chapter 2 - There Once Was A Man Named Waylay

Waylay U-Ninny was an old, lecherous fart who utterly hated being called up in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of his all-important nap. If he didn’t get his nap, then by Jove there’d be hell to pay. Unless it was hell that woke him up, in which case there'd be Heaven to pay…

Waylay picked up the phone and yelled into it. “What is it?! I’m in the middle of my personal … doings!! Who dares disturb me?!”

A scientist from a computer console that was no more than one foot away stood, gave Waylay a clipboard, and went to have his ears checked. Waylay scowled at him, then turned to the board in his hand.

He quickly looked at the glass screens all around him. They all had basically the same readout as the one on the paper, except the one in the far left corner which said “Waylay’s a moron”. He disregarded this and walked into an adjoining room.

It was a blank room, really, with just a long table in the center filled with scientists, militants, a General, some computer hackers with laptops and himself. He sat at his chair and looked up.

“I think we should, um, go with it. All for it,” he said, nodding.

“Sorry, but we’ve decided to not hold this until the next chapter. We will hold this off until the next paragraph, though,” said the General, shuffling his papers.

“But this is a movie,” said Waylay. “There are only scenes and sequences. No chapters and paragraphs here.”

“Sir, I’d like to remind you this is a story based off a movie that hasn’t even been made yet. Therefore there are only chapters, paragraphs and sentences until the movie is released.”


The large wooden pointer smacked against the screen for no apparent reason. It too looked fake, but then pointers usually have to so no-one will believe you when you say “I’ll ram this up your ass if you don’t shut the hell up”. Not only does it make people not believe, but it also gives you a good reason to shove something up someone’s ass. Especially something pointy.

The pointer rested on a large triangular thing in the middle of the screen that everyone except the company turtle was looking at. This means that the turtle cannot be looked upon for references, and is therefore unneeded in the plot. So he’ll now disappear like a good little turtle, and we can continue.

“This big triangular blob of red is a pyramid buried deep under the snow. We assume it’s buried because how else would it have gotten there? No-one could build under all that ice. All those tons of ice, just waiting to melt.”

Waylay and the others nodded, and the hackers started to write down furiously. It would later be known that they were selling porn to giant under-ice pyramids, but this scheme was quickly thwarted by a large tactical missile, some string, and a banana.

“So why are you telling me this?” asked Waylay, leaning back in his chair. He went too far, unfortunately, and fell. There was a brief embarrassed silence while he picked himself up, and then the man continued.

“We need you and some other people to go and check it out. We need you to go because, quite frankly, you’re too old to be acting or being boss of such a big corporation. So we’re hoping that, in your stay with several other idiots that no-one’s ever heard of, you’ll die or something. Then Peter here can take up your space.”

His hand motioned towards a large piece of plastic in a roughly human shape. It didn’t move at all. Not even the mouth that was there was moving.

“Is he still alive?” asked one of the people.

The door suddenly burst open, and a flood of medics came in and took the man away to the nearby hospital facility. He was dead on arrival.

“But don’t worry,” the man quickly added. “Nothing can possibly go wrong.”

In the corner of the room, a small instrumental band started to play the theme to ‘Jurassic Park’.

“Shut up!”

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