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AvP Freaks

Fan Literature   -   AvP: The Spoof   -   Chapter 12
AvP: The Spoof
Written by:  SiL

Chapter 12 - NOW We bring You Death And Destruction

The Predator jumped away from the Aliens tail and landed on top of its head. The Alien hissed and grabbed the Predator’s foot and with all its strength it smashed him into the nearest wall. The Predator, though, was not so easily defeated.

He leapt to his feet, turned, and sliced the Aliens chest. It screeched, crouched, and tackled him full force in the gut. The two crashed through the pile of trophies and out the other side, only stopping when they hit the wall. This time it was the Predator who roared in pain as the Alien’s claws dug into his chest and pushed further down towards the heart.

But the Predator had one weapon the Alien didn’t. well, two. Three, maybe. Okay, he had a lot of weapons the Alien didn’t. Okay!
The Predator, as his world went normal-coloured, aimed his plasma canon and blasted the Alien to the hell it came from.

Adam looked at the strange, black creature that slithered down the statue towards him. It as followed by others, until the whole statue was nothing but a black hissing mass of busty blonde women?
Adam woke up and found he was alone. This was a strange thing, because being alone usually meant there was no-one else there with you. And technically, this wasn’t a ‘person’ that was with him. It was a ‘thing’, which mustn’t count when it comes to not being alone because he still felt very alone.

What was he looking at, though? It was around eight feet tall, dark, and had the general body shape of an Alien. But there were differences, like minigun for one arm and the tubes and metal that made up for all the bits that weren’t there. There was also the white belly…

“You look new,” said Adam, raising a bottle of gin.

The hybrid took it and emptied the bottle in one gulp. “Yeah, I’m new. I’m a TermiPengLien. Eight jaws, laser guided plasma missiles, and a minigun for an arm. I also sell cakes.”

Adam nodded. “Isn’t this the part where I’m blown to pieces by the minigun?”

The TermiPengLien looked confused for a moment, then pulled a script out of his pocket. He looked through the pages until he got to this one.
“ ‘TermiPengLien screeches, raises its arm and blasts Adam. His dead body slumps to the floor, and the hybrid walks off.’”.

Adam sighed. It was bound to happen. Good looking guys like him always died in these films.

The TermiPengLien screeched, raised its minigun hand, and …

Sandy spun around at the sound of the minigun. She knew then, deep down, that another love scene was out of the question. Unless it was an interspecies love scene, with her and the Leader, but that was very unlikely. She would probably have to make love to herself by the end of the film.

“We have to go back for Adam!” she said at last.

Jake grabbed her arm for no reason, and pulled her back. “No, we can’t! He’s gone, Sandy. Why can’t you just accept that he’s gone? Why? WHY?!!!”

Somewhere, in the stone corridors, a cricket sounded. There was a pause of great length, equal to those on popular anime. Actually, this pause was shorter; there was no way Sandy was going to look at Jake for twenty five minutes without slapping him or, if she felt kind, kneeing him in the groin.

“I accept that. He’s dead; I know. know move aside,” she said finally, and when she moved she kneed him in the groin. Jake slumped to the ground writhing and clutching his manly-hood.

“Now can we have a love scene?” asked Waylay.

Sandy kissed him. “No.”

Crap’n’Pants looked at the Alien. It looked back at him. Then, feeling the strongest primal urge, it pissed on its own feet. Crap just stared.
Then another Primal Urge swept through the Alien, and through some sick, twisted internal system it defecated on its own heels. Crap, by now, was getting sort of scared. What normal Alien wet/dirtied itself just because it was looking at you?

Crap’n’Pants took a step forward, and the Alien collapsed. Prodding it gently with its foot, Crap’n’Pants came to the deduction that he had scared the alien to death, which wasn’t something you saw every day. It wasn’t even something you saw every second day, either. It wasn’t even something you saw.

Looking around guiltily, Crap took the trophy and hurried down an adjoining corridor.

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