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AvP Freaks

Fan Literature   -   AvP: The Spoof   -   Chapter 1
AvP: The Spoof
Written by:  SiL

Chapter 1 - Epilogue: So, We Blew Up Your Ancient Civilization

Alien hide flew in smoldering pieces across the forest floor, bouncing occasionally before burning into a tree or something similar. The small group of Predators were absolutely outnumbered 1000,000,000 to three – literally. There was no hope.

So they ran.

The small human group pushed through the forest, their fake blunt spears looking awfully fake and blunt in the afternoon sun. The fact that the spears looked fake in the sunlight was a miracle as the sky was black with clouds and rain.

Now usually when one is chased, one runs. They run hard and fast to get away from whatever it is chasing them. The people, however, didn’t need to; they’d signed deals with a race of large things that had blue fire that made big holes in everything.

Especially people’s heads.

That’s why, when the first person was torn in half, they just shrugged and muttered “Six for dinner. Lamb chops, if we’re lucky. Otherwise we’ll settle for chicken”. By the time they’d finished muttering this, however, most of them were dead. Or dying. Or wounded. Or walking at a steady pace through uneven terrain with the nastiest bug in the universe chasing them.

Finally there was the thunderous crack that meant the arrival of the fire which tore into the bug, sending it flying through bushes and trees until it smashed down in front of the tribesmen, its mutilated body writhing in a bubbling pool of leaf matter.

Then the Predator came, and claimed his trophy. He turned to the Alien, got him to his feet, and slipped him a fifty dollar note.

“You okay?” he asked.

The Alien nodded. “Yeah,” he gasped. “But that leg will take a while to grow back.”

Somewhere, elsewhere, two Predators watched the unlimited Alien mass as they swarmed up the pyramid, teeth and claws moving wildly for food or prey. Then there was a beep, the sound of a lock coming undone, and the Predators knew their time was up.

The wieners had been overcooked in the microwave, and so they must pay.

The explosion was heard many, many miles away in Australia.

It was utterly ignored.

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