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Fan Literature   -   AvP: Extinction: The Story   -   Chapter 4
AvP: Extinction: The Story
Written by:  SMID


Chapter 4 - Join the Colonial Marines, Get Raped By Aliens!


The marine commander strolled up and down the central corridor of the marine ship, looking over his troops. “Ladies and gentlemen, you are the worst, ugliest, most rag-tag group of red-neck misfits I’ve ever seen! Tighten up those guts, stand up straight, give me a sir yes sir!”
“SIR YES SIR!”
“That’s more like it! I am Commander Dick N. Charge! I will be your commanding officer for this little tip-toe through the tulips! As you know, there are some stupid colonists who ran into a royal arse-load of problems on a world designated as an alien planet that they stupidly decided to colonize ANYWAY!”
The marines chuckled, but the commander cut them off. “I DID NOT GIVE THE ORDER TO SNICKER, MARINES!”
They went quiet. “That’s better. Now, we are ordered to go in, relieve these morons from their security issues, and generally baby-sit the bunch of pansies until command sees fit to replace us!”
One of the marines raised his hand. “Um, when will that be, sir?”
“NEVER! We are to guard these weak sissies until we ROT! Then, we’re to haunt their enemies until Satan sees fit to return us to Purgatory because he’s tired of screwing with us!!”
Another marine raised her hand. “What kind of weapons do we have on hand, sir?”
“As you know, the company has not seen fit to giving us anything bigger than a pistol for this little excursion. But that’s okay. I managed to procure some really sharp sticks before we left, and a dozen ‘How To Beat Your Enemy With Harsh Language’ handbooks.”
“So we’re going to poke them to death, sir? Or cuss them to death?”
“You will get a sharp stick as your secondary. But we only have five, so you’ll have to pass them among yourselves! As to the cussing, the colonists have strict rules against harsh language, so we can’t use that at all.”
“So we’re defenseless?”
“Can you spit, son?”
“Yes…”
“THEN YOU ARE NOT DEFENSELESS!”
“If you say so, sir…”
“Drop down and give me thirty!”
“Thirty what, sir?”
“Thirty toe-lickings, maggot!”
“What…?”
The commander kneed the man in the balls, then turned to the rest of the marines. “We are an elite team of marines, marines! We are the best soldiers this man’s army has, soldiers! We are the best of the best, best of the best! GIVE ME A SIR YES SIR!”
“SIR YES SIR!”
“Who are we?”
As one, the marines stated their names, ranks, serial numbers, and other information. The commander sighed. “No, no, no! WHO ARE WE?”
No one spoke. One marine raised his hand. “We’re mammals, aren’t we?”
The commander opened his mouth to speak, stopped, then closed it. “Well, now that I think of it… But I was looking for ‘marines’.”
The marines all saluted. “WE ARE MARINES!”
“And who am I?”
“A Dick in charge!”
“That’s commander, to you maggots! Get it right!”
“Commander Dick N. Charge!”
“That’s right! And don’t you forget it!”


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