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Fan Literature   -   AvP Fanquel   -   Chapter 1
AvP Fanquel
Written by:  SiL


Chapter 1 - The script.


               AVP 2: YET ANOTHER FANQUEL

               EXT. PLANET - DAY

               A windswept planet than DOESN'T RESEMBLE LV-426.

               EXT. COLONY - DAY

               A colony which DOESN'T ... oh, hell, you get the point.

               INT. BUILDING

               Technicians throw switches, changing between a number
               of looped computer readouts. A guy walks over to
               another guy.

                                     GUY
                         Some guys found something out
                         somewhere.

                                     OTHER GUY
                         'Kay.

               EXT. PLANET - DAY

               GRRRRRRRNGH goes the crawler as it goes over the
               landscape. It comes across a LARGE MISSHAPEN MASS,
               then, moving past the board meeting of Fox Executives,
               it comes across a PREDATOR SPACE CRAFT.

               There are Alien eggs everywhere.

               A guy walks out of one of the crawler, opens an egg,
               and shoves his face into it.

               Mayhem ensues.

               EXT. SPACE

               The computer generated Sulaco Clone Mark Two drifts
               through the nothingness.

               INT. SULACO MARK TWO - MESS HALL

               A bunch of KICK ASS MARINES sit around a table talking.

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         WE'RE KICK ASS!

                                     RANDOM MARINE
                         YEAH! BAD ASS! WE'RE KICK ASS MARINES!

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Wow, they must be kickass.

                                     APONE CLONE
                         A'ight, ladies! We're gonna go down
                         there, shake some beautilicious ass,
                         save some virgin colonists from their
                         uncles, then blast off at the speed of
                         my pelvis!

                                     RANDOM FEMALE MARINE
                         Don't you mean light?

                                     APONE CLONE
                         You've obviously never had sex with
                         me, dear. Now, what are we?

                                     ALL
                         MARINES!

                                     APONE CLONE
                         I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT ARE WE?!

                                     ALL
                         MEAN MARINES!

                                     APONE CLONE
                         No, seriously, my hearing aid's
                         fucked. What are you saying?

               EXT. SULACO MARK TWO

               A drop ship drops from the ship.

               EXT. PLANET - DAY

               The drop ship lands. Without waiting for the door to
               open, the APC BURSTS out the back end, screeching away
               to the colony in the distance.

               EXT. SPACE

               Another PREDATOR SPACE SHIP rumbles into view. The
               Predator equivalent of a drop ship breaks away towards
               the planet.

               EXT. PLANET - DAY

               Spinning wildly, obviously out of control, the Predator
               drop ship hits the ground and EXPLODES!

               RACK FOCUS to the foreground, where we see four
               Predators sipping tea. One has a face hugger wrapped
               around his head.

                                     PREDATOR 1
                         I say, wot, is that time for us to
                         start?

                                     PREDATOR 2
                         Indeed.

                                     HUGGED PREDATOR
                         Mrrhghmurmgggh....

               INT. BUILDING

               Half of the KICK ASS MARINES creep through the colony's
               various corridors and rooms. There are acid burns,
               holes, blood stains ...

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         Looks like Aliens.

                                     RANDOM MARINE
                         What kind of aliens?

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         No, I mean the movie.

               They continue on.

               INT. ENTRANCE TO BUILDING

               The two halves of the marines join up.

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         Nothing except for a bunch of French
                         porno, sir.

                                     APONE CLONE
                         Good God! You left it in there?

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         I'm sorry, sir, but there was nothing
                         I could do. The water got to it and
                         all the tits started running.

                                     APONE CLONE
                         No!

               Suddenly, the POWER CUTS OUT!

                                     APONE CLONE (CONT'D)
                         Hudson clone, secure the door!

               Hudson Clone shuts the door and locks it.

                                     APONE CLONE (CONT'D)
                         That wasn't very Bad Ass, marine! Now
                         open that door and close it like a BAD
                         ASS!

               Unlocking the door, Hudson grabs the handle and starts
               to pull it open when DOZENS OF ALIENS rush in and kill
               him!

                                     VASQUEZ CLONE
                         LET'S ROOOOOCK!

               EXT. COLONY

               The Predators watch from on high as the marines blow
               away the Aliens, seemingly uninterested. Hugged
               Predator is now well and truly dead, flies buzzing
               around his chest wound.

               CRACK! A stray bullet hits one of the Predator's tea
               cups. Monocle falling from his eye, he stands like a
               warrior.

                                     PREDATOR 3
                         I say! Let's give them what for, wot!

               All but Dead Predator leap down into action.

               EXT. BUILDING

               With mighty roars, the Predators start to mow into the
               Aliens. Each Predator easily kills a hundred Aliens at
               least, and never get hurt once!

               Then a thousand Aliens drop onto one of the Predators,
               and barely manage to kill him.

                                     PREDATOR 3
                         Goodness! They killed Predator 2!

                                     PREDATOR 1
                         Indeed! Retreat I say, retreat!

               Limbs flailing, they run like sissies.

               INT. OPERATIONS

               The Marines bravely keep back the Aliens, but it's
               clear they're gonna lose. Clear by the fact that only
               Hicks Clone is still alive, and he's holding them off
               with a sharpened crayon.

               From nowhere the PREDALIEN APPEARS, WEARING THE ARMOUR
               AND WEAPONS OF A PREDATOR!

               It looks like a Predator, sounds like a Predator, but
               it's head is SLIGHTLY different, what with it having no
               eyes, and it's got a stub of a tail.

               Hicks moves alongside the PredAlien and pulls out a
               shotgun.

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         I keep this handy for close
                         encounters.

               Backing down the corridor, blasting away, they reach an
               intersection. The PREDATOR charge down one of the
               adjoining corridors, and suddenly there's a HUGE ASS
               BATTLE BETWEEN MAN, PREDATOR, ALIEN, AND PREDALIEN!

               THERE'S BLOOD N' GUTS N' ASS N' SHIT GOING EVERYWHERE!
               IT'S MAD, IT'S BRUTAL, IT'S GORY!

               Then Hicks Clone and the surviving Predator (both
               totally unscathed) drop down the hole made by the
               insane amount of acid.

               INT. NEST - CONTINUOUS

               AND FALL IN FRONT OF THE PREDALIEN QUEEN EMPRESS
               SURROUNDED BY HER PREDALIEN PRAETORS!

                                     PREDATOR 1
                         We are so screwed.

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         You are, I'm not.

                                     PREDATOR 1
                         Why?

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         Predator always dies, tool!

               One of the PredAlien Praetorians steps up to him and
               impales his pretty-boy ass.

                                     PREDATOR 1
                         Ha! Bet you didn't count on the
                         audience's want for a no-humans story,
                         did you?

                                     HICKS CLONE
                         Bugger.

               He dies.

                                     PRAETORIAN 1
                               (subtitled)
                         Hey, look mah! Subtitles!

                                     EMPRESS
                               (subtitled)
                         My dream has come true! At last, I can
                         preach about equality for all, the
                         abolishment of the class system, a
                         fair go for everyone!

                                     PRAETORIANS
                         Yes! Equality for all!

                                     PREDATOR
                         AAAAH! COMMUNISTS!

               He activates the self-destruct device. As red curtains
               start to lower all around the hive, the bomb goes off.

               EXT. SPACE

               A RIDICULOUSLY HUGE EXPLOSION as the planet disappears.

               Some time passes, then the Queen from "Aliens" drifts
               past, sniggering to itself.

               THE END.


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