ALIENS 2: THE FANQUEL



               EXT. SPACE

               The SULACO drifts by, making that low rumbling
               GRERRGHRRRGH sound as it does.



               INT. SULACO - HYPERSLEEP THING CHAMBER

               PANNING past the cryosleep pods: Ripley, Newt, Hicks,
               the Remains of Bishop, and the shrivelled turd of Fox's
               giving a damn about the franchises any more.

               One-by-one the pods open, and the occupants rise.



               INT. SULACO - MESS HALL

               Ripley, Newt, and Hicks are seated around the table,
               with Remains of Bishop being used as a centerpiece.

                                     RIPLEY
                         So, Hicks, what will you do when we
                         reach Earth?

                                     HICKS
                         I don't know, Ripley. I'm torn between
                         two clichés: On the one hand, I can go
                         back to the KICKASS MARINES!! and be a
                         corporal again. On the other hand, I
                         can fulfill yours, Newt's, the
                         audience's and James Cameron's need of
                         having a solid family unit, with me as
                         the surrogate mother.

                                     RIPLEY
                         You mean father?

                                     HICKS
                         Uh ... yes. Father. Of course.

                                     RIPLEY
                         And what will you do, Newt?

                                     NEWT
                         I'm going to come to terms with the
                         fact my famiwee's dead.

               A moment's silence.

                                     NEWT (CONT'D)
                         WAAAAAAAAAAH!!

               Hicks drop-kicks her ass out of the room.

                                     HICKS
                         And you, Ripley?

                                     RIPLEY
                         I too, am going to come to terms.
                         Firstly, that everyone I know is dead.
                         Secondly, that I'll be forced to
                         follow the path of surrogate mother to
                         that whiney brat.

                                     REMAINS OF BISHOP
                         Be easy on her. She's been through a
                         lot.

                                     RIPLEY
                         Did you hear how much she screamed? I
                         went totally deaf in one ear because
                         she wouldn't shut up! How the hell did
                         she survive on her own if she kept
                         screaming like that every time
                         something jumped out at her?!

                                     HICKS
                         Well, we're about to reach Earth.



               EXT. SPACE

               The Sulaco pulls up alongside Gateway Station with a
               cartoonish SCRRREEEEEEE sound.

                                                      TWO WEEKS LATER



               EXT. SUBURBIA - DAY

               Establish.

               Or I'll kick the crap out of you.



               INT. HOUSE - DAY

               A nice average house.

               Newt comes down the stairs and sits at the table.
               Ripley places down two plates of what looks like baby
               vomit.

               Outside the window, we see a man running around on
               fire.

                                     MAN
                         THE ALIENS ARE HERE! THE ALIENS ARE
                         HERE!

                                     RIPLEY
                         Damn. Well, Newt, there's something
                         I've always wanted to say.

                                     NEWT
                         What?

                                     RIPLEY
                         You're fat.

               She drop-kicks Newt out the window and heads for the
               pantry. Opening it up, we see not the pansy things of a
               common housewife, but a HUGE FREAKING ARSENAL.

               Pulse rifles, smart guns, rocket launchers, miniguns,
               electronic ball breakers, sharp pointy sticks,
               flamethrowers, and two power loaders.

               Strapping a pulse rifle to a flamethrower to a minigun
               to a smart gun to one of the loaders, Ripley arms
               herself up and step through the wall into the street.



               EXT. SUBURBIA - DAY

               Utter chaos. There are Aliens everywhere, leaping about
               like acrobats in suits and gnawing through wood every
               chance they get.

               Ripley's about to lay the utter smack down ... down,
               when a DROP SHIP LANDS ON HER HOUSE, demolishing it.

                                     RIPLEY
                         If it weren't for my female
                         empowerment granted to me by James
                         Cameron, I would be SO damned pissed
                         you ruined my nondescript house!

               The drop ship opens, marines swarm out, grab Ripley,
               and haul her inside.



               INT. DROPSHIP - DAY

               Ripley flips the safety off all her weapons. It takes
               her ten minutes.

                                     RIPLEY
                         Somebody start talking.

                                     HICKS
                         I like pineapple.

                                     RIPLEY
                         Hicks, is that you?

                                     HICKS
                         Yes, Ripley, it is! I decided to
                         become a KICKASS MARINE again!

                                     RIPLEY
                         Great! So what's happening?

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         WE ARE THE STATE OF THE ART BADASS
                         MARINES! WE ARE BADASS! WE ARE
                         KICKASS! WE'RE MARINES AND WE'RE TOUGH
                         N' SHIT AND WE TALK AT AN OBNOXIOUS
                         LEVEL N' BLOW SHIT UP! YEAH, WE'RE THE
                         MARINES!

                                     RIPLEY
                         What?

                                     APONE CLONE
                         What he means to say is that we're on
                         our way to the Alien home planet!
                         Seems the company made a colony there,
                         and we need to pull them out before
                         they all die, even though they're
                         inevitably all dead anyway!

                                     RIPLEY
                         I see.

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         BADASS!

                                     HICKS
                         But the Aliens have overrun your town,
                         so we need to nuke the site from
                         orbit. Only way to be sure.

                                     RIPLEY
                         Newt's still down there.

                                     HICKS
                         Really? Damn! We need to go save her!

               The ship rocks a bit.

                                     COMPUTER
                         Nuclear bomb deployed.

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         MARINES!

                                     HICKS
                         No, Ripley! The land button is the one
                         next to it!

                                     RIPLEY
                         What? Oh, right, oh no, hit the wrong
                         button, killed Newt, oh no. So, how
                         are we going to save the colonists
                         this time?

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         I'M A STATE OF THE ART MARINE! YEAH!
                         BADASS!

                                     HICKS
                         We go in, you find another girl to be
                         the surrogate mother of, all the
                         marines except for you, me, and the
                         girl die, then we all go home happily
                         ever after.

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         ELECTRONIC BALL BREAKERS! TACTICAL
                         NUKES! STATE OF THE BADASS ART!

                                     RIPLEY
                         Sounds about right.



               EXT. SPACE

               The Sulaco Clone GRRRGHGRRRS it's way towards the Alien
               home planet, which looks NOTHING LIKE LV-426. Really.



               INT. DROPSHIP

               FERRO CLONE and SPUNKMEYER CLONE prepare the drop ship
               for dropping.

                                     SPUNKMEYER CLONE
                         Drop in three, two, one.

               He throws a switch.



               INT. APC

               DRAKE CLONE looks to GORMAN CLONE.

                                     DRAKE CLONE
                         How many drops does this make for you?

                                     GORMAN CLONE
                         Twelve. First real one. Oh, crap, I
                         wet myself again.

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         BADASS MARINES! YEAH! STATE OF THE
                         BADASS ART!



               INT. DROPSHIP

                                     SPUNKMEYER CLONE
                         We've reached the atmosphere. We've
                         passed the atmosphere. I've passed
                         wind.

               Ferro Clone shoots herself.



               EXT. ALIEN HOME PLANT (NOT LV-426)

               The dropship settles down on the barren wasteland.

               And then, in a TOTALLY ORIGINAL MOVE, one of the
               landing legs IMPLODES!

               Then it magically fixes itself back up, the back door
               opens, and the APC drives out.



               EXT. COLONY (NOT HADLEY'S HOPE)

               The APC approaches a colony which looks suspiciously
               like Hadley's Hope from Aliens, but CLEARLY ISN'T.
               Crashing through the main doors, TENSE MILITARILY
               THEMED MUSIC STARTS.

               From nowhere, ALIENS APPEAR, gnawing on all the wooden
               structures, one of which happens to be the APC.

               The KICKASS MARINES run like sissies as the Aliens
               trash their vehicle, and head into the nearest
               building.



               INT. BUILDING

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENIN', MAN! THIS
                         CAN'T BE HAPPENIN'! WHAT THE HELL ARE
                         SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, MAN?! MAN?! WE'RE
                         ALL GONNA DIE!

               Aliens burst up from the floor all around him, chewing
               his wooden pants, and drag him under.

               Suddenly, the POWER CUTS OFF.

                                     RIPLEY
                         They must've cut the power!

               Hudson' mauled body rises from the hole in the floor
               momentarily.

                                     HUDSON CLONE
                         HOW COULD THEY CUT THE POWER, MAN?!
                         THEY'RE JUST ANIMALS!

               He disappears again.

               Without warning (except that convenient music cue)
               ALIENS START BURSTING INTO THE ROOM, hissing and
               screeching and making those cute little clicking sounds
               termites do when you amplify them a lot.

               All the marine clones go down, one after the other,
               dragged away in a non-violent manner. In the end it's
               just Ripley, Hicks, and the Gorman and Vasquez clones.

                                     RIPLEY
                         I remember the last movie! Follow me,
                         into the ridiculously cramped air
                         ducts!

               They all dive into a conveniently placed duct.



               INT. AIR DUCT

               Crawling along to even tenser militarily themed music.
               Aliens pop up left and right, but Vasquez Clone guns
               them down.

                                     HICKS
                         This isn't right! You didn't find a
                         little girl to become the surrogate
                         mother of!

               GARY BUSEY drops down into the vents in front of
               Ripley.

                                     GARY
                         Mummy!

                                     RIPLEY
                         Get away from me you BITCH!

               She blows him away with her minigun before continuing
               on. She goes two steps before dropping down a hole,
               Hicks following. Vasquez and Gorman Clone, suddenly
               realizing their undying love for each other, blow
               themselves up.



               INT. HIVE

               Ripley and Hicks fall right in front of the Queen
               herself!

                                     HICKS
                         Take me, leave the woman!

               The Queen impales him on her tail, then drop-kicks his
               ass out of there.

                                     RIPLEY
                         You cannot defeat me!

                                     QUEEN
                         Why not?

                                     RIPLEY
                         I have JAMES FREAKING CAMERON on my
                         side, bitch!

                                     QUEEN
                         Oh, shit.

               Ripley blows her Alien ass away, runs off through the
               hive blowing shit up, the finds a conveniently placed
               dropship and flies away.



               THE END.