Aliens Part 2: The Fanquel
Written by:
SiL
Chapter 1
ALIENS 2: THE FANQUEL
EXT. SPACE
The SULACO drifts by, making that low rumbling
GRERRGHRRRGH sound as it does.
INT. SULACO - HYPERSLEEP THING CHAMBER
PANNING past the cryosleep pods: Ripley, Newt, Hicks,
the Remains of Bishop, and the shrivelled turd of Fox's
giving a damn about the franchises any more.
One-by-one the pods open, and the occupants rise.
INT. SULACO - MESS HALL
Ripley, Newt, and Hicks are seated around the table,
with Remains of Bishop being used as a centerpiece.
RIPLEY
So, Hicks, what will you do when we
reach Earth?
HICKS
I don't know, Ripley. I'm torn between
two clichés: On the one hand, I can go
back to the KICKASS MARINES!! and be a
corporal again. On the other hand, I
can fulfill yours, Newt's, the
audience's and James Cameron's need of
having a solid family unit, with me as
the surrogate mother.
RIPLEY
You mean father?
HICKS
Uh ... yes. Father. Of course.
RIPLEY
And what will you do, Newt?
NEWT
I'm going to come to terms with the
fact my famiwee's dead.
A moment's silence.
NEWT (CONT'D)
WAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Hicks drop-kicks her ass out of the room.
HICKS
And you, Ripley?
RIPLEY
I too, am going to come to terms.
Firstly, that everyone I know is dead.
Secondly, that I'll be forced to
follow the path of surrogate mother to
that whiney brat.
REMAINS OF BISHOP
Be easy on her. She's been through a
lot.
RIPLEY
Did you hear how much she screamed? I
went totally deaf in one ear because
she wouldn't shut up! How the hell did
she survive on her own if she kept
screaming like that every time
something jumped out at her?!
HICKS
Well, we're about to reach Earth.
EXT. SPACE
The Sulaco pulls up alongside Gateway Station with a
cartoonish SCRRREEEEEEE sound.
TWO WEEKS LATER
EXT. SUBURBIA - DAY
Establish.
Or I'll kick the crap out of you.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
A nice average house.
Newt comes down the stairs and sits at the table.
Ripley places down two plates of what looks like baby
vomit.
Outside the window, we see a man running around on
fire.
MAN
THE ALIENS ARE HERE! THE ALIENS ARE
HERE!
RIPLEY
Damn. Well, Newt, there's something
I've always wanted to say.
NEWT
What?
RIPLEY
You're fat.
She drop-kicks Newt out the window and heads for the
pantry. Opening it up, we see not the pansy things of a
common housewife, but a HUGE FREAKING ARSENAL.
Pulse rifles, smart guns, rocket launchers, miniguns,
electronic ball breakers, sharp pointy sticks,
flamethrowers, and two power loaders.
Strapping a pulse rifle to a flamethrower to a minigun
to a smart gun to one of the loaders, Ripley arms
herself up and step through the wall into the street.
EXT. SUBURBIA - DAY
Utter chaos. There are Aliens everywhere, leaping about
like acrobats in suits and gnawing through wood every
chance they get.
Ripley's about to lay the utter smack down ... down,
when a DROP SHIP LANDS ON HER HOUSE, demolishing it.
RIPLEY
If it weren't for my female
empowerment granted to me by James
Cameron, I would be SO damned pissed
you ruined my nondescript house!
The drop ship opens, marines swarm out, grab Ripley,
and haul her inside.
INT. DROPSHIP - DAY
Ripley flips the safety off all her weapons. It takes
her ten minutes.
RIPLEY
Somebody start talking.
HICKS
I like pineapple.
RIPLEY
Hicks, is that you?
HICKS
Yes, Ripley, it is! I decided to
become a KICKASS MARINE again!
RIPLEY
Great! So what's happening?
HUDSON CLONE
WE ARE THE STATE OF THE ART BADASS
MARINES! WE ARE BADASS! WE ARE
KICKASS! WE'RE MARINES AND WE'RE TOUGH
N' SHIT AND WE TALK AT AN OBNOXIOUS
LEVEL N' BLOW SHIT UP! YEAH, WE'RE THE
MARINES!
RIPLEY
What?
APONE CLONE
What he means to say is that we're on
our way to the Alien home planet!
Seems the company made a colony there,
and we need to pull them out before
they all die, even though they're
inevitably all dead anyway!
RIPLEY
I see.
HUDSON CLONE
BADASS!
HICKS
But the Aliens have overrun your town,
so we need to nuke the site from
orbit. Only way to be sure.
RIPLEY
Newt's still down there.
HICKS
Really? Damn! We need to go save her!
The ship rocks a bit.
COMPUTER
Nuclear bomb deployed.
HUDSON CLONE
MARINES!
HICKS
No, Ripley! The land button is the one
next to it!
RIPLEY
What? Oh, right, oh no, hit the wrong
button, killed Newt, oh no. So, how
are we going to save the colonists
this time?
HUDSON CLONE
I'M A STATE OF THE ART MARINE! YEAH!
BADASS!
HICKS
We go in, you find another girl to be
the surrogate mother of, all the
marines except for you, me, and the
girl die, then we all go home happily
ever after.
HUDSON CLONE
ELECTRONIC BALL BREAKERS! TACTICAL
NUKES! STATE OF THE BADASS ART!
RIPLEY
Sounds about right.
EXT. SPACE
The Sulaco Clone GRRRGHGRRRS it's way towards the Alien
home planet, which looks NOTHING LIKE LV-426. Really.
INT. DROPSHIP
FERRO CLONE and SPUNKMEYER CLONE prepare the drop ship
for dropping.
SPUNKMEYER CLONE
Drop in three, two, one.
He throws a switch.
INT. APC
DRAKE CLONE looks to GORMAN CLONE.
DRAKE CLONE
How many drops does this make for you?
GORMAN CLONE
Twelve. First real one. Oh, crap, I
wet myself again.
HUDSON CLONE
BADASS MARINES! YEAH! STATE OF THE
BADASS ART!
INT. DROPSHIP
SPUNKMEYER CLONE
We've reached the atmosphere. We've
passed the atmosphere. I've passed
wind.
Ferro Clone shoots herself.
EXT. ALIEN HOME PLANT (NOT LV-426)
The dropship settles down on the barren wasteland.
And then, in a TOTALLY ORIGINAL MOVE, one of the
landing legs IMPLODES!
Then it magically fixes itself back up, the back door
opens, and the APC drives out.
EXT. COLONY (NOT HADLEY'S HOPE)
The APC approaches a colony which looks suspiciously
like Hadley's Hope from Aliens, but CLEARLY ISN'T.
Crashing through the main doors, TENSE MILITARILY
THEMED MUSIC STARTS.
From nowhere, ALIENS APPEAR, gnawing on all the wooden
structures, one of which happens to be the APC.
The KICKASS MARINES run like sissies as the Aliens
trash their vehicle, and head into the nearest
building.
INT. BUILDING
HUDSON CLONE
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENIN', MAN! THIS
CAN'T BE HAPPENIN'! WHAT THE HELL ARE
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, MAN?! MAN?! WE'RE
ALL GONNA DIE!
Aliens burst up from the floor all around him, chewing
his wooden pants, and drag him under.
Suddenly, the POWER CUTS OFF.
RIPLEY
They must've cut the power!
Hudson' mauled body rises from the hole in the floor
momentarily.
HUDSON CLONE
HOW COULD THEY CUT THE POWER, MAN?!
THEY'RE JUST ANIMALS!
He disappears again.
Without warning (except that convenient music cue)
ALIENS START BURSTING INTO THE ROOM, hissing and
screeching and making those cute little clicking sounds
termites do when you amplify them a lot.
All the marine clones go down, one after the other,
dragged away in a non-violent manner. In the end it's
just Ripley, Hicks, and the Gorman and Vasquez clones.
RIPLEY
I remember the last movie! Follow me,
into the ridiculously cramped air
ducts!
They all dive into a conveniently placed duct.
INT. AIR DUCT
Crawling along to even tenser militarily themed music.
Aliens pop up left and right, but Vasquez Clone guns
them down.
HICKS
This isn't right! You didn't find a
little girl to become the surrogate
mother of!
GARY BUSEY drops down into the vents in front of
Ripley.
GARY
Mummy!
RIPLEY
Get away from me you BITCH!
She blows him away with her minigun before continuing
on. She goes two steps before dropping down a hole,
Hicks following. Vasquez and Gorman Clone, suddenly
realizing their undying love for each other, blow
themselves up.
INT. HIVE
Ripley and Hicks fall right in front of the Queen
herself!
HICKS
Take me, leave the woman!
The Queen impales him on her tail, then drop-kicks his
ass out of there.
RIPLEY
You cannot defeat me!
QUEEN
Why not?
RIPLEY
I have JAMES FREAKING CAMERON on my
side, bitch!
QUEEN
Oh, shit.
Ripley blows her Alien ass away, runs off through the
hive blowing shit up, the finds a conveniently placed
dropship and flies away.
THE END.